The self-help genre often offers up

The self-help genre often offers up solutions to our issues without forcing us to reflect on what we’re actually doing and saying in our lives to cause those problems in the first place. So, in a contrarian mode, I’ve decided to detail what research knows to be some of the most toxic habits we bring into our relationships—even though we may not even be aware that we carry them.

[Of course, if you want to cut to the chase with a speedy means of destruction, just be unfaithful. That, not surprisingly, is the still the Number One torpedo to relationships and top cause of divorce, as a study by Paul R. Amato and Denise Previti showed. Infidelity was the cause of 21.6% percent of divorces the team studied, followed closely by incompatibility (19.2%), drinking or drug use (10.6%), growing apart (9.6%), personality problems (9.1%), and lack of communication (8.7 %). Physical or mental abuse, and loss of love, were singled out much less frequently—5.8% and 4.3%, respectively.]

It’s true enough that, day to day, all couples disagree and fight but research makes clear that it’s how we fight, and how often, that matters. The more such behaviors you see in your marriage—coming from either you or your spouse—the more slippery the slope. And, of course, focusing on how you resolve conflict alone isn’t the whole story: You need to ask yourself what you’re doing when you’re not fighting, too.

Keeping in mind relationship expert John Gottman’s now-famous 5:1 formula—that it takes five happy-making, restorative, and constructive moments to outweigh the effect of a destructive one—here are some of the behaviors that take us furthest from that ideal and most damage our relationships. If you want out, then by all means, do the following:

1. Personalize blame.

The formal name for this is “causal attribution.” Simply put, when something goes wrong, do you explain it by attributing it to your partner’s weaknesses, flaws, or characteristic behavior? Do you instantly make things personal because your sentences begin with the word “You"—“You never listen”; “You’re always too busy”; or, "This is so typical of you"?

The work of Frank Fincham and Thomas Bradbury demonstrates that this kind of attribution is highly damaging and that in a stable marriage, partners don’t make it personal but tend to explain what’s gone wrong in more general terms. Personalizing blame also is likely to elicit defensive behavior from your partner that, according to another study by Fincham and Steven Beach, will lead to a cycle of blame and defensiveness which often escalates without anyone really planning on it. In their paper they use a homely example many of you will recognize.

A couple gets into a car with a destination in mind—it could be a restaurant, a party, even a romantic getaway spot. You have, at the beginning, a shared goal: getting there. At some point, however, one or both of you realizes you’re on the wrong road. Suddenly, the goal shifts. The driver (in this case, the husband) asks the passenger (his wife) why she can’t read a map. She retorts that her map-reading skills are just fine but that he’s managed to miss a turn. He denies it, fiercely. She says he should stop and get directions. He won’t...

Yes, I know that a GPS device could theoretically subvert all of this but you get the point, and you don’t need to be in a car to experience this kind of altercation. Without ever consciously shifting goals, each member of the couple does in fact move away from the shared goal of wanting to get there, to blame, and finally, to self-defense. (Confession: This did once happen to me on a road in Maine where the exits are 50 miles apart.)

2. Withdraw at times of demand.

Imagine a couple in their living room. She is trying to engage her spouse in a discussion about what happened on Saturday night when she tried talking to him about how unresponsive he was and they got into a huge fight. She’s stewed about it for days and rehearsed what she's going to say but the longer she talks, the more his body language betrays his annoyance. He stays silent. His apparent withdrawal prompts her to try even harder, her voice rising, as she begs him to please respond. The harder she tries, though, the more he withdraws. Finally, he gets up and says, “I’m tired of this same old debate. I’m going out.”

This pattern is called demand/withdraw and it’s a robust predictor of marital dissatisfaction, depression, divorce, as well as physical abuse. To quote an article by Paul Schrodt and his co-authors, "Researchers, clinicians, and therapists generally agree that it represents one of the most destructive interaction patterns in interpersonal relationships.” Researchers have demonstrated that while both genders exhibit demand/withdraw patterns, the wife-demand/husband-withdraw occurs more frequently.

Years ago, this scenario was more commonly written off as a man having "a nagging wife,” and it was the subject of jokes, farce, and comedy—as well as deep marital discord. The reasons for the pattern are complicated and varied and may have roots in the disparate needs for intimacy and engagement in some couples, opposite sources of motivation (approach versus avoidance), attachment histories, and more.

It’s not hard to see why this cycle is so persistent and toxic because in it, both parties feel wronged, if for different reasons. The demand partner feels ignored, marginalized, and perhaps abandoned; the other feels put upon, barraged by criticism, and under fire. Getting off the carousel requires both parties to take a close look and to listen and, in the best of all possible worlds, work at developing new ways of communicating and reacting.

3. Stop asking or telling.

A famous study by Arthur Aron showed that the simple act of asking and answering 36 questions reliably increased the sense of closeness in dating couples. We all know from experience that storytelling and sharing are important parts of courtship and commitment. But it’s also true that, over time, some couples stop sharing their stories and/or stop being willing to listen to their partner's. It can happen for any reason or no reason—different schedules, childcare interruptions, the distraction of digital devices. Sometimes, though, familiarity does breed contempt when one partner begins to tell a story—it could be about a difficult co-worker or the behavior of one of the couple’s children, or any other subject—and the other says,” You’ve already told me that” or “That again?” Those responses effectively marginalize the speaker and are guaranteed to shut him or her down.

According to Gottman, positive communication in a successful marriage includes showing interest, showing that you care, showing concern and empathy, and being accepting, even when you don’t necessarily agree with your partner.

If you stop paying attention to what’s happening when you’re not fighting, you are clearly in trouble.

4. Practice lip-service forgiveness.

Here we find ourselves in the big bump territory of the often uneven road that is marriage, after a meaningful transgression—infidelity, for example, or a major lie—has altered the landscape. Forgiveness is a somewhat of a psychological thicket and, as has been widely noted by research, what constitutes “forgiveness” in layperson’s terms differs from the stance the field has generally taken. In the article, “Forgiveness in Marriage,” the co-authors note that forgiveness needs to be “distinguished from accepting, excusing, or condoning an offense.” Forgiveness is also more of a process than a single act. Despite all the illustrated platitudes about forgiveness that flash across your Facebook feed and mine, it’s a more complicated issue. The authors note that verbal statements of forgiveness “may not reflect true feelings” and that they happen often enough that they have a name: “hollow forgiveness.”

But even authentic forgiveness has its pitfalls for, as the authors noted:

“The words ‘I forgive you’ often signal the beginning of process for a speaker (of trying to forgive the transgression) but tend to be seen as the end of the matter by the offending partner—who is also likely to be only too willing to put the transgression in the past and act as if it never happened.”

Needless to say, all the other flawed ways of communicating play an important role in whether forgiveness is genuine and whether the commitment to the dyad can be renewed and go forward. As the authors write: “In the usual course of events, the victim spouse has to cancel a debt that is bigger than the one acknowledged by [the] transgressor spouse. Thus the transgressor spouse may see their partner’s reaction to the transgression as overblown and itself a wrongdoing.”

True forgiveness can’t be the act of a single partner in the marriage; both people have to renew their commitment to each other and the relationship in the context of a new landscape. Simply deciding, on your own, to forgive and forget likely won’t cut it.

5. Be a gatekeeper.

A universal stress point in relationships is the splitting of duties, chores, and respon

Results (Arabic) 1:

غالباً ما يقدم هذا النوع من المساعدة الذاتية حتى حلول لقضايانا دون تدفعنا إلى التفكير مليا في ما نحن فعلا القيام والقول في حياتنا تسبب تلك المشاكل في المقام الأول. لذلك، في وضع مناقضة، لقد قررت أن يعرف ما هي البحوث أن بعض العادات الأكثر سمية نأتي إلى علاقاتنا بالتفصيل – على الرغم من أننا قد لا تكون على علم بأن نحمل لهم.[بالطبع، إذا كنت ترغب في قطع للمطاردة مع وسيلة سريعة لتدمير، فقط يكون غير مخلص. وليس من المستغرب، وهذا هو ما زال طوربيد رقم واحد للعلاقات والسبب الأعلى للطلاق، كما أظهرت دراسة أجراها أماتو Paul R. ودينيس ريفيتي. وكان الخيانة السبب % 21.6 في المائة من حالات الطلاق التي قام فريق دراسة، تليها التعارض (19.2%)، واستخدام المخدرات أو شرب (10.6%)، تزايد حدة (9.6 ٪)، مشاكل شخصية (9.1%)، والافتقار إلى الاتصال (8.7%). الإساءة البدنية أو العقلية، وفقدان الحب، قد أفرد أقل بكثير من frequently—5.8% و 4.3 في المائة، على التوالي.]صحيح ما فيه الكفاية، يوما بعد يوم، اختلف جميع الأزواج، والكفاح ولكن البحث يجعل من الواضح أن كيف نحارب، وكيف في كثير من الأحيان، ما يهم. المزيد من مثل هذه السلوكيات التي تراها في زواجك — قادمة سواء منك أو من زوجك – أكثر الزلقة المنحدر. وطبعا، مع التركيز على كيفية حل النزاع وحدها ليست القصة بأكملها: عليك أن تسأل نفسك ماذا كنت تفعل عندما كنت لا القتال، أيضا.Keeping in mind relationship expert John Gottman’s now-famous 5:1 formula—that it takes five happy-making, restorative, and constructive moments to outweigh the effect of a destructive one—here are some of the behaviors that take us furthest from that ideal and most damage our relationships. If you want out, then by all means, do the following:1. Personalize blame.The formal name for this is “causal attribution.” Simply put, when something goes wrong, do you explain it by attributing it to your partner’s weaknesses, flaws, or characteristic behavior? Do you instantly make things personal because your sentences begin with the word “You"—“You never listen”; “You’re always too busy”; or, "This is so typical of you"?The work of Frank Fincham and Thomas Bradbury demonstrates that this kind of attribution is highly damaging and that in a stable marriage, partners don’t make it personal but tend to explain what’s gone wrong in more general terms. Personalizing blame also is likely to elicit defensive behavior from your partner that, according to another study by Fincham and Steven Beach, will lead to a cycle of blame and defensiveness which often escalates without anyone really planning on it. In their paper they use a homely example many of you will recognize.يحصل الزوجان في سيارة مع وجهة في الاعتبار – ويمكن أن يكون مطعما، طرفا فيها، بل بقعة رومانسية. لديك، في البداية، هو هدف مشترك: للوصول إلى هناك. عند نقطة معينة، ومع ذلك، يدرك واحد أو كلا منكم كنت على الطريق الخطأ. فجأة، يتحول الهدف. برنامج التشغيل (في هذه الحالة، الزوج) يسأل الراكب (زوجته) لماذا أنها لا يمكن قراءة خريطة. وقالت ريتورتس أن لها مهارات قراءة الخرائط على ما يرام ولكن نجح في أن يغيب بدوره. وهو ينفي ذلك، شراسة. وتقول أنه يجب أن تتوقف، والحصول على توجيهات. أنه لن...نعم، أنا أعرف أن جهاز لتحديد المواقع يمكن نظرياً أن تخريب كل هذا ولكن تحصل على النقطة، ولا تحتاج إلى أن يكون في سيارة لتجربة هذا النوع من مشاجرة. دون تحويل الأهداف من أي وقت مضى عن وعي، نقل الأعضاء كل من الزوجين في الواقع بعيداً عن الهدف المشترك المتمثل في الرغبة في الوصول إلى هناك، لتوجيه اللوم، وأخيراً، للدفاع عن النفس. (اعتراف: هذا يحدث مرة واحدة للي على طريق في ولاية ماين حيث تكون المخارج 50 ميلا عن بعضها البعض.)2-سحب في أوقات طلب.Imagine a couple in their living room. She is trying to engage her spouse in a discussion about what happened on Saturday night when she tried talking to him about how unresponsive he was and they got into a huge fight. She’s stewed about it for days and rehearsed what she's going to say but the longer she talks, the more his body language betrays his annoyance. He stays silent. His apparent withdrawal prompts her to try even harder, her voice rising, as she begs him to please respond. The harder she tries, though, the more he withdraws. Finally, he gets up and says, “I’m tired of this same old debate. I’m going out.”This pattern is called demand/withdraw and it’s a robust predictor of marital dissatisfaction, depression, divorce, as well as physical abuse. To quote an article by Paul Schrodt and his co-authors, "Researchers, clinicians, and therapists generally agree that it represents one of the most destructive interaction patterns in interpersonal relationships.” Researchers have demonstrated that while both genders exhibit demand/withdraw patterns, the wife-demand/husband-withdraw occurs more frequently.Years ago, this scenario was more commonly written off as a man having "a nagging wife,” and it was the subject of jokes, farce, and comedy—as well as deep marital discord. The reasons for the pattern are complicated and varied and may have roots in the disparate needs for intimacy and engagement in some couples, opposite sources of motivation (approach versus avoidance), attachment histories, and more.It’s not hard to see why this cycle is so persistent and toxic because in it, both parties feel wronged, if for different reasons. The demand partner feels ignored, marginalized, and perhaps abandoned; the other feels put upon, barraged by criticism, and under fire. Getting off the carousel requires both parties to take a close look and to listen and, in the best of all possible worlds, work at developing new ways of communicating and reacting.3. Stop asking or telling.A famous study by Arthur Aron showed that the simple act of asking and answering 36 questions reliably increased the sense of closeness in dating couples. We all know from experience that storytelling and sharing are important parts of courtship and commitment. But it’s also true that, over time, some couples stop sharing their stories and/or stop being willing to listen to their partner's. It can happen for any reason or no reason—different schedules, childcare interruptions, the distraction of digital devices. Sometimes, though, familiarity does breed contempt when one partner begins to tell a story—it could be about a difficult co-worker or the behavior of one of the couple’s children, or any other subject—and the other says,” You’ve already told me that” or “That again?” Those responses effectively marginalize the speaker and are guaranteed to shut him or her down.According to Gottman, positive communication in a successful marriage includes showing interest, showing that you care, showing concern and empathy, and being accepting, even when you don’t necessarily agree with your partner.If you stop paying attention to what’s happening when you’re not fighting, you are clearly in trouble.4. Practice lip-service forgiveness.Here we find ourselves in the big bump territory of the often uneven road that is marriage, after a meaningful transgression—infidelity, for example, or a major lie—has altered the landscape. Forgiveness is a somewhat of a psychological thicket and, as has been widely noted by research, what constitutes “forgiveness” in layperson’s terms differs from the stance the field has generally taken. In the article, “Forgiveness in Marriage,” the co-authors note that forgiveness needs to be “distinguished from accepting, excusing, or condoning an offense.” Forgiveness is also more of a process than a single act. Despite all the illustrated platitudes about forgiveness that flash across your Facebook feed and mine, it’s a more complicated issue. The authors note that verbal statements of forgiveness “may not reflect true feelings” and that they happen often enough that they have a name: “hollow forgiveness.”But even authentic forgiveness has its pitfalls for, as the authors noted: "العبارة' أنا اغفر لك 'غالباً ما مؤشرا على بداية عملية بالنسبة متكلم (من يحاول أن يغفر مخالفة) ولكن تميل إلى اعتبار النهاية لهذه المسألة بأن الشريك المخالف – الذين من المرجح أيضا أن تكون على استعداد فقط جداً وضع مخالفة في الماضي، ويتصرف كما لو أنه لم يحدث ابدأ."وغني عن القول أن جميع طرق أخرى معيبة للاتصال دوراً هاما في ما إذا كان الغفران حقيقي، وما إذا كان يمكن تجديد التزام دياد والمضي قدما. كما المؤلفين كتابة: "في مجرى الأحداث المعتادة، وقد زوج الضحية إلغاء ديون التي أكبر من واحد وأقر الزوج خرقته. وهكذا الزوج خرقته قد ترى شريكهم في رد فعل على مخالفة كمبالغ فيها ونفسها ارتكاب مخالفات. "الغفران الحقيقي لا يمكن أن يكون القانون من شريك واحد في الزواج؛ كل الناس لديهم لتجديد التزامهم ببعضها البعض والعلاقة في السياق من المناظر الطبيعية الجديدة. ببساطة البت، بنفسك، الصفح والنسيان على الأرجح لن قطع عليه.5-أن يكون برنامج حماية البوابة.نقطة ضغط عالمي في العلاقات هو تقسيم الواجبات والأعمال المنزلية، وتستجيب

Results (Arabic) 3:

نوع المساعدة الذاتية غالبا ما تقدم حلول قضايانا دون أن يرغمنا على التفكير في ما نقوم به بالفعل و القول في حياتنا تسبب هذه المشاكل في المقام الأول.حتى في طريقة التضاد، لقد قررت البحث بالتفصيل ما يعرف أن هناك بعض من العادات الأكثر سمية نأتي الى علاقاتنا على الرغم من أننا قد لا تدرك حتى أننا نحمل لهم

[بالطبع،